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Ready Set Fail - Taking What’s Mine



Before Tim Patenaude skyrocketed to intergalactic fame as the mastermind behind Mayonnaise Cupcake Crew, he was breaking hearts with a little emo band called Ready Set Fail.  Jeeze, what a bring down of a name, guys, right?  WRONG!  This proactive collective of jolly young up-starters were go-getting from the get go, making depressing music so you felt a little bit better about your own miserable existence.  They were sort of like philanthropists, except they never gave any one any money.  Ready Set Fail never had the sheer number of sales that MC Crew would, and therefore drifted into cult obscurity among such noodle scratching anomalies as The Velvet Underground and Bob Dylan.  It just goes to show, you can teach an old dog new tricks pretty much until it keels over on the kitchen floor.

DID YOU KNOW?  Until Tim joined the group, RSF was originally called Two Hot Shawns and a Leo.

8 months ago
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Mayonnaise Cupcake Crew - Dan the Man

As promised, here is Dan the Man, the final, glorious single off Foot and Mouth Disease.  Critics reacted sharply to this bizarre change of pace from the Crew.  Was it rap?  Was it slam poetry?  Impossible to say, really, since I’ve been coming down with some sort of strep throat.

And who is the eponymous Dan the Man?  A high school loner?  A studly celebrity?  No, the Dan that Eric and Tim are referring to is the Biblical Dan, son of Jacob, who would form one of the twelve tribes of Israel and then drift into obscurity because he never perform any miracles or anything cool like that.  Although, he did apparently defecated in a frying pan, a rebellious act that caused Eric and Tim to take a long look into hearts and question their own responsibility to the Jewish faith.

It’s a long, hard road to the promised lands, but don’t fret young ones, Dan will be waiting, however late you decide to stroll in.

8 months ago

Anonymous asked: What MC Crew track should me and my hubby-to-be use for our wedding song?

Without a doubt, Dan the Man, the third and final single from Foot and Mouth Disease would make the perfect song for your gnarly nuptials.  It’s an edgy song that pushes the boundary past the envelope, really, you know, taking it there.  It’s dangerous, but coy, like a baby’s breath after that baby’s been drinking anti-freeze.  In case you don’t have one of the bootleg versions, I’ll upload the track tomorrow.  Just make sure you keep it low enough to hear the “I do.”

8 months ago

A rare interview!

Holy cats, are you in for a treat today!  My friends over at This Homie, That Homie, an unpopular aeronautics magazine, managed to get their grubby little mitts on this rare interview with the one and only Eric “Bo Derek” Osborn (pictured below getting his bump and grind on down at the local watering hole).  That’s right, here’s a chance to see past those dreamy eyes, and into his pearly white soul.


This Homie:So, I’m sure all the girls are asking, why’d you shave the pompadour?


That Homie: You’ve got some real guts, kid. I know full well my manager and lawyers told you not to ask about the hair. And yet here you are, asking about the goddamn hair. You know what? I’ll answer your question because this is a story that’s never been told. Very few people know this, but the Crew had their first gig before ever recording or writing any material. Tim and I found ourselves in Knoxville, Tennessee for a few years in the mid-eighties. Tim was waiting tables and I was weighing tables. We weren’t making a lot of dough but we had enough scratch to hit the bar and chase skirt every night. So one night we find ourselves at this little bar downtown, the name escapes me now, but this place is having an open mic or whatever and Tim got the idea that we should give it a shot. So I said all right and signed us up as Flim and the Flams. We borrowed a guitar and an accordion from one of the other acts and proceeded to play our first song right there on the spot. It wasn’t until over fifteen years later that we played or wrote more music, this time under the moniker the Monkey Humperz. But anyway, in the audience on that fateful night was a man by the name of Roger Hearny. He was heckling us the entire time and there was a minor scuffle in which I ripped his beard off. Nearly three decades passed before Hearny and I met again. I didn’t recognize him and he seized the opportunity to sucker punch me and get his revenge. Last I knew, he had sold the pompadour on eBay for a few grand. I don’t know who has it now.

This Homie: HAHAHA, you’re so funny, Eric Osborn.  Is it true you’re a draft dodger?


That Homie: Absolutely not. I don’t play fantasy football.


This Homie:  Who has better abs, Eddie Van Halen or Eddie Munster?


That Homie: That depends on who you ask. Amateur ab aficionados will likely tell you Eddie Van Halen is the winner here, but to the more well-trained and discerning eye, Munster has more well-defined rectus abdominus muscles than EVH.


This Homie:Is that why you broke up the band, or was it a sex thing?


That Homie: Nah, Tim and I argued about abs a lot but it never got in the way of the art. Ever. I haven’t talked to Tim in eight years, but I think he’d have the same answer as me - yeah, it was a sex thing.

This Homie:Am I wearing too much cologne for a formal interview?


That Homie: Unequivocally, yes.

This Homie:Do you ever feel depressed, or cry for no reason?


That Homie: All the time. I know most of the people reading this interview think I’m this larger than life rock star, and I am, but I’m also a living, breathing human being just like everyone else. I get lonely. I get sad. But it’s never for more than five minutes. I usually remember how famous and well liked I am and then life is awesome again.

This Homie:Tell the damn truth! You dodged the draft, didn’t you?


That Homie: Well aren’t you just a regular Dan Rather? Yeah, I dodged the draft, young man. You would have too if you were alive in ‘91.

Dis Homie:  Oh, you dirty, draft dodging dog, you.  You’re incorrigible.  What say you to a game of marbles?


That Homie:I don’t have my good marbles with me, but I’ll see your game of marbles and raise you a game of That’s My Bacon!… if you even dare.


This Homie:  Wow.  That was fun.  Where do you see yourself in twelve months?  In twelve minutes?


That Homie:Here’s a scoop for you, kid. And only because I like the cut of your gib. In twelve months, I’ll be touring the world in support of my debut solo record. It’s already written and recorded, I’m just looking for someone to put it out. It’s called Nascar Nights: Twelve Tracks of the Hottest Thunder Eric Osborn Could Muster.


This Homie:   Any regrets for your youth?


That Homie: The same as anyone, man. I should have kissed the girl.

8 months ago
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Mayonnaise Cupcake Crew - Drunken Old Man on the Streets of Harlem

“I popped my cherry to Drunken Old Man on the Streets of Harlem.  Popped it twice.” - Eli Whitney.

Whether or not Eli Whitney was a real person is a debate that has raged on for centuries.  But debating is only fun if you’re a nerd, which MC Crew fans decidedly aren’t.  No way.

Drunken Old Man on the Streets of Harlem, a title bestowed upon the song only recently after the original title was lost while spelunking, was the first single off Foot and Mouth Disease, and boy howdy is it a banger.  Nonsensical lyrics (“Polka-dot Jengo?” “Open that Daniel?”) that would give Michael Stipe a run for his money if he fucking had any, and a furious, hard-hitting beat vaguely ethnic in origin turned Drunken Old Man into a Billboard hit!  Over four-hundred billboards were purchased to promote the single, which ultimately bankrupted the Crew before their full-length record even dropped.  Patenaude would later go on to remark that the Billboards had been the result of night-terrors and the oncoming of male-menopause, but Eric vehemently denied the statement, claiming instead that “finders keepers, losers weepers.”  Truer words were never spoken.

8 months ago
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Mayonnaise Cupcake Crew - Shampoo and Onion Rings

The second single off the Crew’s thrilling debut, Shampoo and Onion Rings, or, Poo and Ringers as it became known to its myriad fans, is perhaps the groups greatest accomplishment.  It’s hard-hitting themes of incest and Top Ramen abuse figuratively set the stage for less interesting bands like U2, Pearl Jam, and Omar Epps.  The beat, simple, yet hypnotic, is a thing of beauty, like some rare zephyr, coming in off the mountainside, caressing your cheek.

8 months ago

Mayonnaise Cupcake Crew 4 Life

Welcome visitors and visitees to the one and only official Mayonnaise Cupcake Crew fan site!  This epic band from Upstate New York, whose members Eric “the Barrister” Osborn and Slim-Tim Patenaude had a short-lived but impressive, whirlwind of a career, dropping science, carving bas-relief into ancient pillars, and, of course, smooching fly debutantes.   Before disbanding due to drug abuse, diphtheria, and the savage politics of cockfighting, they released perhaps the greatest single album of our generation - Foot and Mouth Disease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That said, the record is one of the rarest in the Northern Hemisphere.  Only one copy remains, after a shipment from Peru was seized, the police mistaking it for crates of opium and leather-bound editions of Ginsburg’s Howl.

This blog will be dedicated to the group in all of its glory.  With rare photos, exclusive interviews, and songs from the band itself, which, after a painful remastering process in which two men starved to death, is available in the stunning new format of mp3.

Stick around, you might just learn something.

Arousedly,

Chief Historian Kevin Hinman

8 months ago