Mayonnaise Cupcake Crew Fan Page

Holy cats, are you in for a treat today!  My friends over at This Homie, That Homie, an unpopular aeronautics magazine, managed to get their grubby little mitts on this rare interview with the one and only Eric “Bo Derek” Osborn (pictured below getting his bump and grind on down at the local watering hole).  That’s right, here’s a chance to see past those dreamy eyes, and into his pearly white soul.

This Homie:So, I’m sure all the girls are asking, why’d you shave the pompadour?

That Homie: You’ve got some real guts, kid. I know full well my manager and lawyers told you not to ask about the hair. And yet here you are, asking about the goddamn hair. You know what? I’ll answer your question because this is a story that’s never been told. Very few people know this, but the Crew had their first gig before ever recording or writing any material. Tim and I found ourselves in Knoxville, Tennessee for a few years in the mid-eighties. Tim was waiting tables and I was weighing tables. We weren’t making a lot of dough but we had enough scratch to hit the bar and chase skirt every night. So one night we find ourselves at this little bar downtown, the name escapes me now, but this place is having an open mic or whatever and Tim got the idea that we should give it a shot. So I said all right and signed us up as Flim and the Flams. We borrowed a guitar and an accordion from one of the other acts and proceeded to play our first song right there on the spot. It wasn’t until over fifteen years later that we played or wrote more music, this time under the moniker the Monkey Humperz. But anyway, in the audience on that fateful night was a man by the name of Roger Hearny. He was heckling us the entire time and there was a minor scuffle in which I ripped his beard off. Nearly three decades passed before Hearny and I met again. I didn’t recognize him and he seized the opportunity to sucker punch me and get his revenge. Last I knew, he had sold the pompadour on eBay for a few grand. I don’t know who has it now.

This Homie: HAHAHA, you’re so funny, Eric Osborn.  Is it true you’re a draft dodger?

That Homie: Absolutely not. I don’t play fantasy football.

This Homie:  Who has better abs, Eddie Van Halen or Eddie Munster?

That Homie: That depends on who you ask. Amateur ab aficionados will likely tell you Eddie Van Halen is the winner here, but to the more well-trained and discerning eye, Munster has more well-defined rectus abdominus muscles than EVH.

This Homie:Is that why you broke up the band, or was it a sex thing?

That Homie: Nah, Tim and I argued about abs a lot but it never got in the way of the art. Ever. I haven’t talked to Tim in eight years, but I think he’d have the same answer as me - yeah, it was a sex thing.

This Homie:Am I wearing too much cologne for a formal interview?

That Homie: Unequivocally, yes.

This Homie:Do you ever feel depressed, or cry for no reason?

That Homie: All the time. I know most of the people reading this interview think I’m this larger than life rock star, and I am, but I’m also a living, breathing human being just like everyone else. I get lonely. I get sad. But it’s never for more than five minutes. I usually remember how famous and well liked I am and then life is awesome again.

This Homie:Tell the damn truth! You dodged the draft, didn’t you?

That Homie: Well aren’t you just a regular Dan Rather? Yeah, I dodged the draft, young man. You would have too if you were alive in ‘91.

Dis Homie:  Oh, you dirty, draft dodging dog, you.  You’re incorrigible.  What say you to a game of marbles?

That Homie:I don’t have my good marbles with me, but I’ll see your game of marbles and raise you a game of That’s My Bacon!… if you even dare.

This Homie:  Wow.  That was fun.  Where do you see yourself in twelve months?  In twelve minutes?

That Homie:Here’s a scoop for you, kid. And only because I like the cut of your gib. In twelve months, I’ll be touring the world in support of my debut solo record. It’s already written and recorded, I’m just looking for someone to put it out. It’s called Nascar Nights: Twelve Tracks of the Hottest Thunder Eric Osborn Could Muster.

This Homie:   Any regrets for your youth?

That Homie: The same as anyone, man. I should have kissed the girl.